I try not to use that word “sucks” too often (at least not from a public platform); I know it’s not very dignified. But let’s face it. Tragedy really does suck. Here you are, living life the best you know how, and something completely unforeseen and unexpected turns your world upside down in one sudden, ruthless, violent moment. Your mind is sent whirling, your emotions bounce unpredictably between a plethora of extremes, and your spirit feels sucker-punched, desperate, and maybe even lost.

As a child of God, how do you deal with it?

None of the standard Christianese answers are soothing, and they don’t even seem to apply. “God knows best” and “God’s ways are higher than ours” may be true (and of course are true), but that just doesn’t bring much comfort, because your mind instantly combats it with, “I know that the good, loving God I know didn’t cause THIS.” So you’re left standing there, quite possibly questioning either the sovereignty of God (Did evil really win this time?) or the truthfulness of God (Did God’s character change on me from the last time I read Scripture?)

My family and our church family are currently dealing with a tragedy that left us reeling, to a large extent. One of our own abruptly passed away from cancer. We have prayed over him with the Word of God for months now, our individual faith and our corporate faith have been higher and stronger than ever before, and our understanding was that even the doctor had foreseen a full recovery. Then in four short days, everything changed. We were told on a Wednesday night that the cancer was back. That Sunday morning, our loved one was taken from this life far too prematurely, leaving our family and scores of faith-filled friends completely stunned.

Let’s face it. We’re left asking, “Why?”

I mean, seriously. Look at some of the Scriptures we’ve been standing on for his healing (and by healing, I mean physical healing in this life, here on earth)…

• “The Lord will preserve him and keep him alive, and he will be blessed on the earth…The Lord will strengthen him on his bed of illness; You will sustain him on his sickbed” (Psalm 41:2-3).
• “Jesus said, ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe, and he will be healed” (Luke 8:50).
• “…You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will You let Your faithful one see decay” (Psalm 16:10).
• “…so is My Word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11).
• “…Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” (John 11:4, spoken before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead).
• “Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones” (Proverbs 3:8).
• “He sent out his word and healed them, snatching them from the door of death” (Psalm 107:20).
• “With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation” (Psalm 91:16).

That’s just to name a few.

I don’t like wrestling with God. But I will admit: I have done a fair share of wrestling with Him over this.

I’ve asked “why” and “how” with a variety of questions following. I’ve talked to God in a brutally honest way, through tears and heartache and frustration and pain. And I’ve also repented to God for my blaming him (much like Lazarus’ sister Martha blamed Jesus) for not stopping our beloved from dying.

I’ll be honest. It has appeared on all surface, natural levels that God’s Word did not accomplish what it was sent for. From everything I can see and understand, what happened in the natural realm did not line up with the Word of God, which we have been standing on. Yet at the same time, I know it is impossible for God’s Word to fail, and it is impossible for God to lie, so I have been left in the throes of trying to sort all of this out.

I have been tempted and can see why many people in such inexplicable situations tend to resort to explanations like, “Maybe that was God’s way of healing him.” I understand why people say that, but here’s the problem I have… I don’t read of a single time where Jesus laid hands on someone or spoke a healing Word to them, and they didn’t get healed. I don’t see anywhere in Scripture where Jesus commanded a sick or dead person to rise, and instead heard the voice of the Father telling Him that heaven would be their healing. So while I appreciate the attempts at spiritual consolation, I just can’t swallow them where I’m at right now. We’re supposed to be doing even greater works than Jesus did, so as far as I can see, He is our standard to follow. I won’t be satisfied until we see the healing every time we believe, because that’s what I see happening every time Jesus spoke healing to a sick person.

So where does that leave us? If we won’t accept the standard answers, those concoctions from the human mind designed to numb our faith and console our emotions, then what do we do?

I’ve made a decision, and I feel it is key for me personally in moving on from here… I don’t have answers yet. I’m still searching for them. There is a lot I don’t know, and while it is really, really hard for me to accept that I don’t know or understand something, I’ve decided this:

Instead of wrestling with God over what I don’t know, I’m going to run with God over what I do know.

Selah (pause and think about it).

I could keep rehearsing to God all of the things I don’t understand about this situation, but that would only lead me again to the brink of blaming Him, into the realm of doubt and fear, and I just cannot afford to live there in that very dangerous realm. So for the sake of life, I’m going to run away from blame, doubt, and fear, and run to the One who has been faithful to me all the days of my life. And I’ll run with Him over all the things I do know.

So what’s that? Here’s what I DO KNOW:

• I cannot blame God. In fact, I refuse to blame Him again. He doesn’t cause cancer. He doesn’t go back on His Word. He cannot lie. So while none of what I’m staring at right now makes sense, and the carnality in me wants to point the finger at Him for not stopping this, my spirit simply cannot do that. I’m not just accepting this situation at face value. But while I search out things in the spirit and allow God to lead me into revelation about this (at whatever point in time that may happen, whether in this life or not), I choose to move on in my relationship with Him.
• Jesus has not changed. He is still the same yesterday, today, and forever. I acknowledged Him as Lord, Savior, and Healer before this, and I will continue to acknowledge Him as all of these now. This situation does not change Who He is, and I must not let it change Who He is to me.
• God’s Word is true. I can’t explain everything in natural terms just yet, but I will not fall prey to the enemy’s tactic of doubting God’s Word. It was just recently that I realized (thanks to another pastor’s blog) that the first sin was not just the surface act of disobedience in the Garden. The first sin was when Eve bought into the serpent’s question, “Did God really say…?” Her listening to that question – and doubting God’s word – caused the change in her heart that led to the action of sin – disobedience. God’s Word does really say all of those things I listed above, and I will not question whether or not those words from Him are true.
• I still believe. This particular instance makes no sense to me in what I know spiritually, but I still believe in my God, I still believe in His Power and in His everyday interest and willingness to help us in this thing called “life.” I still believe in the power of the Name of Jesus and in the power of the Blood of Jesus, not only for cleansing our sins and breaking our bondages, but for providing our complete healing as well.
• I will believe again next time. Whoa. This one might be tough, but I’m just not going to let the enemy win out on this one. The next time someone needs healing, I’m going to believe anyway. I will not let this creep in and stop me from believing that my God can and will miraculously heal the next person in my life who needs healing. In the meantime, I want to search my heart and His Word for any keys that I may be missing, because I desperately want the outcome from here on to be the same as if Jesus stood in the flesh beside me and commanded the miracle to come forth.
• I will worship and pursue God as much as I did before this, and even more so. What else do I have? Where else would I go but His Presence? He has always been faithful, and I cannot fathom that in this He has become anything other than faithful.

In whatever you are facing today, what is it that you do know about the goodness of God? What is it that you can stand on, even though everything else may not make sense?

The bottom line. I want to search out God, I want to know Him more, and I want to find whatever that key is that will keep this from happening again. Sounds presumptuous? Again, we’re told that we’ll do even greater things than Jesus did. If that’s going to come to pass in our generation, as well as in our nation, then that means we’re going to have to get to the point of being comfortable not only with praying for healing and miracles, but also with raising the dead. That’s right. I said it. Jesus raised the dead. I want to see that. I want to live in a realm of faith, belief, and spiritual authority with God that not even death is final to me. In the meantime, my goal is to do everything I can do now to allow the Glory of God to fill and flow through me, so that the whole earth is covered with His Glory, just as the waters cover the sea. And I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for how God’s glory will be revealed through this current situation, because another thing I do know is this: His Glory will be revealed through this.

This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” …Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” (John 11:4, 40)

Let faith arise.