OK, ladies, it’s time to get honest. I want to share with you an excerpt from the book that exposes in a painfully honest way some of the hang-ups I experienced in Single. I think some of you will probably be able to relate in one way or another (otherwise, I’m out here on this limb by myself!)

Let’s pray that as we walk this journey together, the Holy Spirit enables us to be vulnerable (in a healthy way) and honest with Him and with ourselves. Let’s pray for the courage and humility to allow Him to bring correction to any part of our perspective that needs tweaking — or even a complete overhaul, if necessary. Let’s commit to making the most of the season we are in, without letting our minds or emotions hold us back from the beautiful things God has for us now!

It’s time to thrive!

Level with Yourself

We are not in a holding pattern. That’s worth reading again: You are not in a holding pattern. Right off the bat, let’s get rid of some of our own melodrama about our relationship with Single.

Let’s face some facts here about our current position in life. Life is not passing us by. We are not going through trial and tribulation; neither are we victims and martyrs of the human race. None of these mind-myths are true simply because we check the box labeled “Single” for marital status!

I found, as I made my way through college at a Christian university, that many of my female peers had one focus and one focus alone: to become un-single as quickly as possible! To be honest, I spent more than my share of time as one of these girls. The ultimate goal in life was to find a husband, but none of us really wanted to wait or consider any option other than “right now.” It went beyond just a God-given need for companionship; it became an obsession. We refused to fathom that God could give us grace and faith that would carry us longer than we wanted to wait. We only had “faith” that we would round the next corner and run into Prince Charming… or “faith” that the one I had already picked would open his eyes any day now and finally see that what he’s been wanting all along is standing right in front of him (ahem, me) and fall in love with me. (Several of us girls were in that boat together; we didn’t know what was wrong with all these guys around us; they couldn’t see the dream-come-true that we were waiting to be to them). Consequently, nothing in life felt fulfilling, and nothing generated true contentment, because we were all restless and anxious to move on into marriage.

A desire that was not inherently wrong – the desire to be married – had utterly consumed our minds and emotions and had become a very disabling obsession. It had become our primary focus in life in an extremely unbalanced way. I wrestled with it for a long time myself, and long afterward, I realized that this obsession worked in two ways, one pretty obvious, and one much more subtle.

Looking for Love in ALL Places.

The first and more obvious way the obsession worked on us was the manner I just described: walking through life, looking around every corner and every turn for true love, or living every waking moment in despair over unreciprocated interest and affection. There is no human emotion that compares to the desperation, helplessness, and frustration that a single person feels when she decides on her own that she should no longer be single. I can recall times when the desire for companionship was so strong and unfulfilled that literally, as I walked through the grocery store, I caught myself looking around every aisle and every display, just in case I was about to run into my future husband. Needless to say, in those times of my life, I accomplished very little for the sake of the rest of humanity; I accomplished very little for anybody at all, including myself! With my focus only on my need to find love and companionship, it is a miracle that I even made it through college and earned a degree. Looking back now, I see how miserable it was to be ruled by that obsession. The discontentment that comes with this expression of obsession is astonishingly distracting and will try to divert us from moving forward in our true destinies.

The Anti-Desire Obsession.

The second way in which the obsession worked on us Christian college girls was a bit more subtle. Keep in mind that even though our emotions were seemingly in unbridled control of our focus, our hearts really were after God, and we really did want to follow His purposes for our lives. As we began recognizing that “looking for love in all places” was driving us crazy and getting us nowhere, we attempted to correct the problem. Think back to Drivers’ Ed class, if you will. New drivers are taught that if you ever need to quickly escape a dangerous situation, you should beware of over-steering. Over-correction has the potential of causing a more tragic accident than the original predicament would have. The Anti-Desire Obsession, in my opinion, is the Christian over-correction of “Looking for love in all places.”

We began devouring books and materials on abstaining from dating and learning how to wait for our mates and focus solely on God and nothing else. Were these materials erroneous in nature? Not necessarily. I learned some good principles in them. But we weren’t addressing the core issues. Before long, we were trying so hard not to want to be married that our obsession level with Marriage had not declined at all. Now instead of just being obsessed with Marriage, we were obsessed with notbeing obsessed with Marriage!

It’s as if you tell a person, “Don’t think about purple elephants.” What are you thinking about? Of course, purple elephants! Although I learned some good things from some of those books, I was still unable to achieve 100% contentment in Single so that I could focus on becoming the woman of God I am called to be. I was using those books as a means to try to hurry along the process. My goal was not to enjoy Single; it was to do whatever God could possibly want me to do to hurry up and get married already! I was still too preoccupied with my worrisome state of Single and how to shed it as quickly as possible.

So what makes this book any different? I hope and pray that as you read The Softer Side of Single, you will find yourself not merely trying to suppress your God-given desires for companionship, but instead embracing them as a gift from your loving Father. Simultaneously, I hope to point you to a greater awareness of how BIG His Love for you is! He loves you so much that He has given you this gift of Single. It’s not a trial or tribulation. It’s a gift from God that He wants you to enjoy!

So let me ask you today… What hang-ups are you holding onto? Are you afraid God has forgotten your dreams and desires? Are you afraid that if you don’t make something happen, He never will? I encourage you today to take heart and find rest in Him! Let go of the obsessions bombarding your mind… The obsession is rooted in fear, anyway, and Perfect Love drives out fear! I encourage you to set your sights on God. Remind yourself of His Love for you today, and the more you focus on how much He loves you, the less you will fear that He will leave you alone and unfulfilled.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Psalm 62:1-2